The Call Center
"University IT Help Center, Suzanne speaking, how may I help you?"
"Yeah, hi Suzanne, listen, I need some help."
"Absolutely, I'll be happy to help you - could I get your UID number, please, for the support ticket?"
"Uh... You know, I don't have that."
"Oh, well, I can look you up by name--"
"Suzanne. Listen. I need your help with something important. Can you help me?"
"Of course... Well, I'll do my best."
"Ok Suzanne. Do you support the death penalty?"
"Uh... Sorry?"
"The death penalty. Do you support it?"
"No? But what does that have to do with--"
"Hm. No? Well why not?"
"Sir, I'm sorry, is this a prank call?"
"No! Suzanne, you said you'd try to help. C'mon, humor me."
"Sir, I can help you with IT issues, but those don't have to do with the death penalty. I'm not supposed to talk about politics."
"Alright, alright, you don't have to explain why you don't support it. Just hear me out. I have an important decision to make. Will you help me?"
"...Yes."
"Ok, ok! Wonderful. Sorry we got off on the wrong foot."
"It's ok..."
"Alright, thank you. Anyway, anyway, Suzanne. Let's say, you have a sister, right? Do you have a sister? Never mind, let's pretend you have a sister. Can you do that?"
"Sir, this is..."
"Ok, ok! Ok. Let's say your sister overdosed on heroin. Except it wasn't just heroin, it was mixed with fentanyl, and the fucker who sold it to her can't mix drugs for shit, so she OD'd. Ok? She OD'd. Just humor me."
"Ok, she OD'd. That would be really sad."
"Yeah, it is really-- It would be really sad, yes. Now, wouldn't you wish that piece of shit dealer dead? Wouldn't you? What if you could have your wish come true? Wouldn't you wish it, if you knew it would actually work?"
"Ok, fine, I see what you mean. But no, still no. He should go to jail. He can rot in jail."
"Ugh, ok. Let's say, that you knew exactly who sold her the fentanyl-laced crap. Wouldn't you want to punish him?"
"...I suppose I would..."
"Ok, excellent! Great. Yes, I would too. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Sorry Suzanne, that wasn't to you, that was to someone else. Sorry."
"Sir, where are you? Is everything ok?"
"Yes, yes, everything's great, wonderful, stellar, extraordinary. Just amazing. But anyway, let's say you had the son of a bitch, you found out where he lived, you went and got him, and you had him all tied up."
"Oh my god..."
"Suzanne, it's fine. But this is what I really need help with. See, if my sister had OD'd, I'd want the death penalty for the guy. Ok? But in my state, we don't have that. So to do what's right, what's really right, I'd sort of need to do it myself, right? No?"
"Sir, no, there's a reason your state doesn't have the death penalty. It's because it's wrong to kill people. Two wrongs don't make a right."
"...Hm. So you're saying I shouldn't kill him."
"You said this was a hypothetical--"
"Oh, yes, yes, yes! Just a hypothetical, haha, just, nothing to worry about."
"...Good. Yes, you should not kill him. That would be wrong. You should turn him in to the police and not get involved."
"The police, huh? Hm. Hm. Well, maybe, but I'm not really into snitching. I can't do that, Suzanne. I need to-- would need to settle it myself."
"Sir, nothing you do to him could bring your sister back. Why would you want to live with something like this?"
"Hm. You may be right. You may be right. So I should just leave him...? Or?"
"Well, since you won't go to the cops, you need to make sure he doesn't do this again. But without killing him! Hypothetically."
"Yes, exactly, that's great! I should shoot his hands off maybe?! Or his kneecaps, right?"
"No! No, this isn't medieval times, that's cruel!"
"Well then what?"
"Well... maybe, like, pistol-whip him? So he understands?"
"Ha, ha, ok, I like that. I can do that."
"Ok, sir, hypothetically, that's it, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Suzanne, you've been great. Thank you. For helping me make the right decision. Thanks."
"Ok sir, will that be all?"
"Yes, thank you. You're amazing. Bye."
"Bye, sir, and thank you for calling University IT. Have a great day."
"You too! Goodbye."